I've had a bout of depression this week that some what came on suddenly in the later part of the week. I can usually get over it with prayer exercise and thinking things through, but with getting married and trying to earn a living, the depression has somewhat culminated today.
As the saddened feelings start to sweep over all my emotions, I can feel a sense of overwhelming wrapping around me and my soul. All most like the feeling of a bird in a bird cage having it's cloth put on top of it by it's food provider and having no power to stop it from happening. Thoughts of past times, personal relationships that are normal but finding the bad in them, and all the little things in life that make life horrible and unbearable. At the end of worship today, instead of feeling joy, I felt sorrow and remorse. Not wanting to talk with any congregation members nor any old friends that had shown up in town for a friends wedding this past weekend. All I had wanted to do today was go home and sleep.
I got home, hit the pillow and couldn't even sleep but instead cried. It had been some time now since I had shed tears for anything. I cried but it was different. Tears fell without weeping and just a welling up of emotions pushing itself out of me through my eyes. Yet even with the crying there was no relief. I ate alittle chinese food, which I look back now and made me feel alittle more depressed due to the fact that I'm trying to loose weight and am trying a new way of eating but I disregarded that method today. So after some time i was able to get some sleep.
My dreams have always been interesting. I always feel as if they are of several alternate universes of me just due to the fact of the feeling of realism and there continuity with each respective alt. universe. So during my 3 hour nap, I was driving around some canyon roads, everything was colorless. I was driving away from something, going away mad and not just going away. Then camera change and I'm riding a razor scooter on the opposite side of the guardrail, upon which happens to be a thin trail along the canyon face. I'm doing tricks down the canyon like a mountain dew commercial and next thing I know I do a trick off a small cliff and land on the dusty parking lot of some motel/dinette in the middle of the desert. Flawless land but near perilous dismount. i get of the razor and slam my lower back onto the rough dry ground. Exhuming a dust cloud around me of h bomb proportions. I black out, and reanimate briefly when someone from the motel comes out and tells me they are going to contact my fiance and attempts to feed me some water. I blacked out again, no more likely due to the fact that I dislike drinking water from a location that I my self have not tapped from. Upon awaking I see my beautiful Girl holding and crying for fear that I'm paralyzed as she tells me,
"paramedics are on there way." No sooner the head reverend of my church shows up around the corner and proceeds to enter one of the rooms and tells me to, "Get up and come in, we need to talk." So i proceed to get up, which then triggers my fiance to get upset at the fact that i'm not paralyzed and having put her through all that, then she runs off into the sunset crying. I didn't like that too much. So i proceed to the room, sit down on the brown vinyl sofa and my pastor begins to pray for our time and the place that we are in so that we can no doubt talk about my depression. After his prayer, he begins speaking with a perfect english accent and tells me about how "sometimes clinical depression is misdiagnosed and often times miss understood as something that can be taken care of by ones own abilities." No sooner I see a hand with a silver mens watch pop out from under and around the back end of a red end table to my right.
"Pastor Kim, do see a hand there or is it just me?!"
"I don't see anything, are you feeling okay?" as he begins to move aside. I get up slightly to get a better view when a corner of a pillow blocks my vision for but a split second and the appendage is gone. I think nothing of it, I just flew off a cliff face and survived. I'm sure i hit my head alittel hard right? NO! I see two hands now next to a door just past the end table near the entrance to the room that I was in. Same watch on the hand too. My fiance enters the room and i ask her if she sees any hands on the floor, and her reply, "No?" perplexed and confused she gets down on her hands and knees to try and see what i'm seeing. Maybe it's a light angle thing or something. Reverend Kim now concerned about my mental health for sure begins praying to cast daemons out of the room. I get up and upon sight with different light I see a figure of a man on his hands and knees looking for something under the door. Next to him is an androgynous child knocking his head on my fiance's head as if playing a fun game.
I call out to the apparition, "Who are you? You can see me can't you?" Pastor now really concerned backs into a corner of the room on his knees praying what I can assume maybe something along the lines of an exorcism or something. I try and get the ghost attention again, "I can see you dude, what is it that you want?" The ghosts now appear as if human and alive. I begin to state that this is a blessed and protected room, you must be here because God allowed it for some reason. "Pastor, we must help them to be set free and go to heaven." We proceed to ask questions and see what we can do. No danger is felt but just a strange creepiness about the whole thing. The older man soon reveals that he is a heroine addict as he proceeds to bring out his pouch and with syringe paraphernalia and a blue liquid substance in the syringe. i tell him that he can't do that here and that he should stop. Soon after he tells me that he needs to find something in a closet in a back room. Which happens to be a back room in my old home in New jersey, Demarest to be exact. I don't' go in as to the fact that my sense tell me I shouldn't follow so i tell him he doesn't need to go there, so he tells me okay you can stay and I'll come back. he goes to the dark room with the child, where he finds the closet, turns the light on and proceeds to find what he's looking for. He comes back and brings out a small jacket for a child. I see the label and it reads american eagle. The Jacket is a two piece jacket that is layered. The outer part is more like a utility jacket, with several pockets and the inner is a hoodie. He puts it on the smaller child and the jacket is adorable on the child, much bigger then could fit the child but cute none the less. Then the dream changes and I can only assume that the we left the motel and were now somewhere in NJ at night and it's raining. we all proceed to get in out cars. I pull out and try to make a left turn but need to wait as to the fact that there is some construction and several cars blocking the one lane. Then Pastor Kim tells me to follow him. So I proceed, while doing so I begin to pray for the two souls that God allow them into heaven and that they find Christ and be set free from whatever it is that was tormenting them. next thing I know i wake up and find my self somewhere else looking a device that shows the whereabouts of my car. So I begin to drive my car with the device like batman and try to find my way out. but I realize that it's all so familiar to me and I've been to this place many times before. Familiar back alleys and brick walls, but the difference was that it was daytime and I was usually there at night. Upon making that realization I awaken. Taking a moment to see is I was still dreaming. Maybe I still am.
-Peace
